The Love Bug?

First off, I know I am rather lame for never doing anything in this.
Life's been crazy, but if you really want to know you know how you can get a hold of me.
So I am going to stick with the purpose of a web log, and well log some of my current thoughts.

While driving home from work today I was listening to NPR. They were doing a short commercial for This American Life (A great radio program on at noon, central, if you listen to the radio. If not download the podcast, they are absolutely life changing.) The promo was about a mother who is struggling with her memory, and her son who is struggling with a mother that never really showed his love to her. In a small brief sentence he spoke and said how his mother is 91 years old and is just now learning to say I love you while battling with her memory. This utterly blew me away. I thought back on all the times when I was a little kid when my mother would always say I love you to me and I would promptly say back "I love you too, mommy!" And even later in life how my mom would never end a conversation with out saying that she loved me, even if she sounded like she wanted to choke me out for some (probably good) reason.

Of course this lead to a slippery slope in my own mind, and I start analyzing the effect of my families affection to the person I am today. Am I addicted to the idea of love because of the affection that my family gave me while growing up? Anyone who knows me would say that I have a very tight knit family, even when it comes to cousins, grandparents, and etc. We all basically do the same thing. One thing I know I can always count on hearing is how much we all love each other and how we would pull the moon from the stars if we had to for each other. But, did this show of affection that honestly in my opinion is a great characteristic in my family lead to what is a problem with myself? I can't say it is a real problem now, but in past I have fallen sick from losing a girl that I claimed to love, and in the relationships themselves I seem to want to incorporate the idea of love so quickly in things and usually get the girl to be spectacularly happy with the idea, or running for the hills. I mean for me saying it does not mean "Hey let's get married" to me it's just a stronger meaning of affection that can't be expressed by any other word. From what I hear from others that word can be seen as a death knell for some relationships, others it seems to be the precursor for a marriage proposal. I don't even know what it is for me, it is not like a crucial step for me, it seems to be the best way for me, in words, to display me true level of affection for the person that I care for.

Honestly I have no idea why this triggered me to write in this, it has been such a long time since I have done anything and for all the topics in the world that I choose the write about it had to be this. Odd huh?

Why is truth is becoming nonsense?

I've been so dumbfounded lately. First off, it's awful I never write in this to the amount of which i really want to, it's something that you really have to have a habit for, a habit in which I really would like to create, the ideas come as quickly as they go then, and the problem is all me not willing to take the time to do it. See, the honest truth. It's not spectacular or anything, but the truth can be sexy, thrilling, or just plain boring. We've all heard lines such as "fiction's where genius lies" and honestly I've been a victim to such things. I lied a ton growing up, not like crucial things that could cause harms, yet they were little small white lies that either made myself sound more interesting, or something that just seemed better than the truth. I hate that I was that way, I hate that part of me still hides somewhere within me and rears it's ugly head at the worst times. It has to be evident in me too whoever I do it too, I literally have to pause and run the little monster away in my head. It's the one of the worse demons that we have to face in our lives I believe. That's right I know I'm not alone in such a problem. We all do it. Some more than others (set case me between the ages of 5-18) I was completely awful, but I know it only has aided in building the person that I am today.

But the most awful thing is starting to become apparent to me; we hate the truth. The truth gets me in trouble more than the small lies ever did. I thought it was the key factor in letting us free of worries, but instead it gives me more sleepless nights and moping hearts than anything else I've ever encountered in my entire life. I told myself that I need to be completely honest about everything in my life, and generally I usually am. I've even been told that I'm too honest at times now, another thing that just shakes my mind like no other. We are givens truths for a reason. It has always been our decision whether or not we follows these truths and carry them out and speak to their good name, or that we darken then and distort them into whatever our horribly clever minds decide that they ought to be. I'm no saint, I still throw down the white lie time to time, but there is one major difference in what I do now. I despise the fact I did it. After I do it I just want to go up to the person and tell them what I said was a farce and that I'm sorry for being that way. Yet I do nothing. Why does truth have to become something on the lines of nonsense. have we just gotten to the point in our society that anything else we can make up can just supplement as the truth? Or is it we just no longer hold the same value in the truth as we do a good story? I really have no idea, but I know I am always going to try to be honest with myself, with you, and with the rest of the world. I really do think it is one of the most important things we can do for each other.

So...

A long time ago, well not really that long ago I used to be a full member of the digital community. I was a troll on myspace, a "writer" on my livejournal, and a creeper on a xanga. I left all three after I met the supposable girl of my dreams which ended up of course was the object of my fancy, yet her interest faded along with the majority of her love. It left me, well upset and broken but not horribly depressed like I'd imagine it would have been. Well to be honest the word depressed would easily fit into the vocabulary of how I felt the last 4 or so months, I know it is not only her that infected my mental well being, I also graduated from college last December, I was happy triumphant, and relaxed but instead of these feelings lasting a harsh reality set in and honestly just demolished any tunnel that could lead to any light in my future.

So I'm struggling. Looking outward for something that could make me smile at times where I thought nothing could. I want my thoughts reorganized and I want the random messages lodged in my brain to be set in some sort of odd order even if in the end it only seemed like I'm speaking nonsense.

So.. I created this blogspot (well some time ago I did) with the full intention of writing what is on my mind out on some database somewhere (most likely in Texas right?) I'm not really asking for readers or any comments, honestly I plan for this to go unread like the government docs in a University library, only catering to the dust mites and the occasional college couple so it can be used as a make out spot (well that won't happen here!)

I want to start writing better, I want to start thinking more clearly, and attempt to start to calm the nerves that seem to be way over stretched past their limits. I don't want this to be a requiem of past feeling and relationships, or it to be a pathetic pity party or even a cry for attention. I want this to be my thoughts or maybe a little more.

I only wish I could write something as clever as "I hate you all." or some other type of pithy comment to make me sound as if I was this absolute genius, but I don't have that talent, yet.

That’s really it for now..

Go Celtics.

It starts again

I needed a public place to write, a place just to write utterly worthless banter that I just can't keep in my head any longer! I hope this ends up as something good, well as good as nonsense could ever be.

-PVW